


Blind items from 'The Speakeasy', the unofficial newsletter of the USS Discovery

by KrisL



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Anachronistic 20th and 21st century references, As the chapters fly by the items resemble blind items less and less, Crack, Gen, Humour, ISS Shenzhou, Pure Crack, Purple prose in service of entertainment value, Spoilers for Season 1, There might be spoilers in the comments, There’s a pun I’m especially proud of in there, USS Discovery, Views not necessarily my own, Virtual (fortune) cookie if you mention that pun in the comments, Written in the style of celebrity gossip columns, blind items, in-universe media, media
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-02-16 08:57:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13050738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisL/pseuds/KrisL
Summary: THE SPEAKEASYThe USS Discovery's unofficial newsletter - where you always have permission to speak freelyGentle reminder: Do NOT circulate to senior officers.---A quick article on what blind items are:https://nylon.com/articles/celebrity-blind-itemsReader beware: There might be spoilers in the comments.





	1. Cover page

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: The issue numbers do not run consecutively - they give a gauge of the chronological order. Please click 'Entire Work' if you prefer to view all the content on one page. This work is multi-chapter in case I'd like to slot in more issues in the future.

**THE SPEAKEASY**

**The USS Discovery's unofficial newsletter - where you always have permission to speak freely**

** Gentle reminder: Do NOT circulate to senior officers. **

 

Page 42: Blind items 

[Psst. Submit your tips to pigeonhole 31. All submissions will be vetted.]

 

 

 


	2. Issue 10

**Issue 10**

 

Thread count higher than an Egyptian princess 

This diva has, until recently, had her own private quarters due to unspecified allergies. Which means that because hers was the only room with an available bed, the Captain’s latest questionable decision is now bunking with her. That might teach our Cleopatra not to tempt fate with her special requests.

 

Cookie monster 

This senior officer has a legendary bowl of _clairvoyant snacks_ in his office. (Editor’s note: I know this is a crappy paraphrase but let’s just keep the pretense that this actually is a blind item and not a blindingly obvious item.) Have you been offered a clairvoyant snack with a message? This publication is hungry for any and all words that have sprung or unrolled from those coveted clairvoyant snacks.

 

 

 


	3. Issue 12

**Issue 12**

 

Changing the locks 

Where has our loyal to a fault Chief of Security gone? Details on this personnel change are surprisingly scarce. No one has been announced to fill the post yet.

 

[Editor’s note: Our Egyptian princess has written in to say - “Don’t libel my cabin mate. I refer you to the Chief Medical Officer for further details about my allergies.” Seems that they’re getting cosy in that cabin.]

 

 

 


	4. Issue 16

**Issue 16**

 

Conscientious objection

Wondering why there was a shipwide broadcast of rather harrowing distress calls? Short answer: It’s because we’re always _discovering_ new moral quandaries. The long answer is classified. The upshot is that we saved a mining colony.

 

 


	5. Issue 17

**Issue 17**

 

From Grumpy to Dopey 

For those familiar with 20th century Earth culture, this crew member seems to have swapped one of the seven dwarfs’ personalities for another. He is _much_ spacier than usual. What could possibly be the reason? Enquiring minds want to know.

 

 

 


	6. Issue 22

**Issue 22**

 

Disco on the Disco 

We’re keen to hear about any new items resulting from Disco’s recent party - if you can remember it! It was a tremendous success apart from a slight issue with the lights. Our sincere apologies for anyone who still had to report for duty. You missed the most significant social event since our ship was commissioned.

 

Not their first rodeo 

Their last one didn't end very well, though. In fact, this applies to several senior officers. And a science specialist.

 

 

 


	7. Issue 24

**Issue 24**

 

Chain of command 

This flag officer has been on board more often than not recently. Are we gearing up for a disciplinary hearing? Are there irregularities with senior officers’ decisions? Have Starfleet’s ethical lines been crossed? Or are these merely _social_ calls?

 

 

 


	8. Issue 29

**Issue 29**

 

Disco-Tech 

What in the galaxy does ‘Black Alert’ even mean?

 

 

 


	9. Issue 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for S01 E10 'Despite Yourself'. At this point, I think the editor (read: me) has given up writing blind items and this is just snarky commentary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, SPOILERS for S01 E10. 
> 
> A bit of this chapter might get jossed depending on what happens in canon, but we'll see.

**Issue 31**  
  
  
  
Where in the universe is the ~~USS~~ ISS Discovery

Uh... Long Live the Empire?

Long Live Captain Killy!

 

Extreme makeover: Silver linings

Complaints from all levels of the crew are filtering in that the new uniforms are stiff and difficult to put on (and take off *raises eyebrows*). On the plus side, they look wicked cool, if excessive ostentation is your style.

 

An engineer's lament

We received a gripe from an engineer about "blood mysteriously and irresponsibly left on a door, specifically one of the bridge doors". The note continues, "Our door operation systems are quite robust but not designed to deal with prolonged contact with organic fluids. Thankfully this egregious oversight was discovered during routine maintenance and dealt with promptly." It goes on at some length about the door operation systems, and ends with "WHOEVER IT WAS, OWN UP!!" While we laud this engineer for their passion for their work, perhaps bloody doors are more aligned to our current aesthetic than they would like to admit.

P.S. We're curious to solve The Case of the Bloody Door too.

 

Medical protocols

On an extremely serious note, a little bird told me of a recent incident in the medical bay. How does this sound for a reasonable protocol for restraining patients?

Medical Officer: Please have a seat, Crew Member.

Medical Officer: *Puts up shield*

Crew Member: Wait, what?

Medical Officer: Crew Member, apologies, that's just a precaution while I tell you what my scans have revealed, symptoms that you've been experiencing and how you might not be fit for duty right now. Oh, and that might mean you can't go on that mission you're desperate to go on. But everything's fine because you're contained for safety right now. Both yours and mine.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This episode was a wild ride that had me in laughter 50% of the time and 'WTF-ing' 65% of the time, sometimes concurrently. And yes that last blind item was salty.
> 
> If you're not quite sure what 'An engineer's lament' was about, you might want to go to Episode 10 around 34:40 and watch for about 10 seconds.


	10. Issue 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Episode 11.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chance to stop reading if you haven't seen Episode 11.
> 
> Please forgive the fact that these aren't even really blind items a lot of the time.

 

**Issue 32**

 

Pottering about

Is the Chief of Security position cursed, à la the Defence Against the Dark Arts position in that obscure turn of the 21st century franchise? (Don't pretend you don't know which one we mean.) 

 

Plot-crucial prop

The Discovery's amateur theater troupe is missing a precious prop. The prop in question is a late 20th century black leather jacket. Although there is some question of its authenticity due to the pristine condition it seems to be in, even replicas of leather jackets are now difficult to come by. Its loss was discovered while the troupe was preparing for the first dress rehearsal of their current production. There is some urgency to locate it because the production of _Grease_ simply cannot go on without a leather jacket. Any and all leads are appreciated. 

 

The enemy within

At what point can we classify the brig as a new Klingon colony?

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This episode was difficult for me to find levity in. As usual, it was beautifully shot and acted - especially the quality of the light falling in from the windows. Michael's insistence on Starfleet principles was brilliant to witness and the Sarek we saw gave a lovely speech. Here's to hoping next week's episode gives us the answers we want.
> 
> Speaking of musicals (like _Grease_ ), the 2005 movie version of _Rent_ is rather good if you'd like to see more of Anthony Rapp (Paul Stamets with glasses).


	11. ISS Shenzhou - Edition #2359

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Episode 11.

 

 

**NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH**

**The official newsletter of the ISS Shenzhou - Edition #2359 in the nth year of the omnipotent Terran Emperor**

 

Long Live Captain Burnham

The Editors are incandescent with joy that our glorious Captain Michael Burnham is decidedly not dead or missing, but has returned triumphant from her quest to capture the degenerate enemy of the Empire, Gabriel Lorca (we await the wise counsel of the Emperor for a suitable description of his treachery). For a time, the Editors of this publication _regrettably_ supported the late usurper of Captain Burnham's position, Danby Connor (may his name be shrouded in shame). Those Editors are now _former_ Editors.

 

Turbolift maintenance honors 

The Editors would like to applaud the crew members involved in restoring one of the turbolifts located near the bridge to its former state of pristine cleanliness following a small incident this afternoon. We were told some amount of bleach was necessary to remove the stains. Your hard work and skill is a shining example to all of us on the ISS Shenzhou and your efforts will not be forgotten.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taking a leaf from Pravda right there. If you like this sort of humor, do consider watching 'The Death of Stalin'. You can thank me later.
> 
> Hat tip to [FirstDraft](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FirstDraft) for the inspiration to write from the ISS Shenzhou.

**Author's Note:**

> I can be found on [Tumblr](http://funnelferrybutterbar.tumblr.com/post/168663050907/blind-items-from-the-speakeasy-the-unofficial). Hit me up if you want to scream about _Discovery_.


End file.
